The Floral Hustle

  📍 Hello, flower friends. This is Jen, and you are listening to the Floral Hustle podcast. On this week's episode, I want to talk about something that if you are a mom, if you have a partner, if you have children, this is going to likely resonate with you, and that is mental load. As likely, you are probably a woman if you are listening to this.

If you are not, you could be experiencing this as well, but As women, we are natural caretakers. We are naturally, if we are an entrepreneur, we are probably one of those people that are like, I'm ready to kick ass, take names. I get shit done. I am a hustler nonstop. Like I go, go, go. I take care of things. I handle things and I am one of those people.

But like, sometimes I have felt in the past. Like I am the butter that there's not enough and I'm scraping it to every corner that I possibly could over the burnt toast that I left in the toaster too long. So I feel like I am just so. Ran thin, not only like, okay, work seems a lot, the business seems a lot.

Being a mom seems a lot. Sometimes being in a relationship, sometimes, I mean, we all have been there. We've all wanted to kill our partner at some point and just be like, seriously, you thought that was okay, seriously, you're going to do that seriously. Sometimes you, you just get to a point that things.

feel hard, and that is totally normal. But what we do when things are hard and how we can mitigate or manage things to not get hard, make the difference if you are going to be someone that can offload some of these things, that can lighten your load, that can Um, really proactively be like, this doesn't feel good.

I am a action taking problem solving woman that doesn't live in this space. So then you take action to change it. You have discussions. And if you are not, if you are, I actually, I was talking to a coaching client and I've had this discussion so many times with coaching clients. So this is a very real thing that I said, you know, what I felt like, and I'm guessing they felt like, and I feel like they, they agreed.

And I've had the same analogy in the past is that when you're feeling overwhelmed for one, any time. One more thing comes your way and you are at a point, you were like, anything that is said to you, you feel like you're drowning and everyone around you is describing the water to you. Or they're like, Oh, this is no big deal.

It's something little. You are like, steam is coming out of your ears. You're like, I don't have the mental bandwidth for even a inch of any idea or concept. So fucking go away. Like, go away. I, I don't have space for you today. So, how do you create space? Do you deserve space? For one, I wholeheartedly believe it is not our job to take care of everything.

As someone, Who has a special needs kiddo. She is getting so much more higher functioning that she ever has in her life. But that's taken a lot of work for real. A lot of work. I used to go to therapy with her four times a week, work full time. And I did 65 weddings in my business that year. I did that actually for years.

I did it for, I think like three years. I was constantly like taking care of her. And then I met my now husband, Steven. And then like, you know, then you're in this new dating dynamic that you're just like, I can't act like I'm cracked all the time because this person's not going to love me. And what, uh, shortly after I started dating him, I lost my mom.

I was taking care of my mom. I took care of my dad before he passed away. I I actually took care, I'm the youngest out of nine children and my dad kind of had a first tribe and then my mom had a child and then they got together and had two. I am the, I, what I am now the youngest cause I had my younger sibling pass away and it was like all the other ones were just like tagging out for taking care of, of them and or didn't live nearby or honestly, didn't want anything to do with it.

And my dad, I'm, I'm like surprised he lived as long as he did, but that mental load even. Before I had children was taking care of my parents and I felt like I just had no space. So how can you create space for one? You being so mentally weighed down is going to be the biggest hurdle for you to grow your business successfully.

If you have no space to facilitate growth, to think of big ideas. To think of any ideas, to execute any idea. Like you are not going to be able to do what you want with your business because you just don't have the bandwidth. So like some ways to create bandwidth, I first think that you need to know that how you're feeling is okay.

How you're feeling is not the norm. You do not need to accept That this is your life, that the shit show that is going on at that very moment is what it is. That does not need to be your reality. You can make a choice that this is no longer acceptable. I am not going to accept that I have to take care of everything.

I am not going to accept that I don't deserve better than this. I'm not going to accept that this is what it is. I'm not going to accept that I don't have a partner in life, that I have another child, which I know if you've been in a relationship, you've probably felt that before. Feel like I have a grown man that I'm taking care of.

And I had those relationships on and on. It was just like repeating this cycle. And I just finally got to the point where like, I am no longer available to take care of another person. That's it. I will take care of them and show them that I love them. I will take care of them in a way that a wife should.

I will help them be them, their best self, but I am not available for so much of the shit that went on in my past relationships that like now is the time you can decide what things look like going forward. And with that, here are some strategies for one, you need to have a very frank conversation With love and good intentions that you're feeling this way because this is what you feel is affecting you.

And you are trying to, so like, I don't know if you hear, but I'm saying the word you. I'm not saying, hey you dumbass. You are not carrying your weight around this house, I need you to go do the dishes, I need you to pick up your laundry, I am no longer going to make your doctor's appointments, whatever it is I'm feeling a certain way because I feel like I'm doing a lot of these things, which is making me unavailable because I'm at capacity, and these are my big hopes and dreams and things I want to do, but I need capacity, Ask for insight or help, problem solving, solutions, whatever they got.

So do you have any ideas on how we could make this so I can create some space for myself? Especially if you are a mom, like you feel sometimes like the toddler, baby, child universe Is enveloping you because mom, I need this. Mom, I need that. Mom, I need my permission slip sign. Mom, I'm hungry. Mom, somebody hit me.

Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. And then you have dad saying go to mom or you have the teachers calling you or you have the school supplies list that because we're going back to school or like right now on my to do list. Photocopy Bodhi's birth certificate, get his immunization records. They also need his inhaler form, like all of these things, like that is mental load.

Asking your partner or even having a conversation with your children, having a conversation with your parents, having a conversation with whoever you take care of, or that is taking bandwidth of your mental load. You need to step back and just say, I need your help. Do you have any ideas on how this can be different because it's not really working how it is right now.

And so you're looking for feedback. You're looking for ideas. Maybe they come up with something you were like, I never thought about that. Or if they don't, you come up with ideas. You know what? I'm having a really hard time managing everything right now. Is this something you can help me with? I need help with X or these are the thing on my plate.

Do you think you could help with X? So you can do that obviously with a partner, obviously with, an adult, if you're taking care of someone, but with your children, you can just start to teach them to be more self sufficient. Okay. To help set them up for success by helping them put practices in place.

One practice in our household is I have a shoe organizer. It is hanging in their closet. I pre do outfits with unders, with sockeroos, everything. And they are sorted in these things. And I do this when I do Sunday night prep, which I will talk about. I am getting their outfits together. And so all they're doing is pulling up.

So it's No BS in the morning that I'm looking for. I don't have underwear. I don't have whatever. This is just handled and Easy, so how can you facilitate easy? I've had a conversation When I felt really really overwhelmed, this is not working and I feel like I'm not meeting your expectations So I need help And that means I'm going to hire help.

If they're not going to step up, I'm going to facilitate that help elsewhere. I am an action taking, problem solving woman, and I am not going to feel this way. So if you're not helping, somebody else is. And sometimes financially, that is hard, but sometimes that financial push of uncomfortability is what is going to be the catalyst for change in your household.

Start teaching your kiddos. We have chore charts. They can go in and they can get prizes, they can get, I actually, this is something that I do that maybe you would want to implement. We have their daily to do list. I go to the Dollar Tree Five Below, the Target Dollar Bin, and I have a Boy Prize Bin, and I'm not trying to be, like, general gender, you know, stigma or anything, but they're toys that I know Bella would like, they're toys that I know Bodhi would like.

Some of the toys that are in Bodhi's bin, like, could be both ways, and some of the toys, Same thing for Bella, but they have a dedicated prize bin because it was really gamey, and they would all often get mad at each other for taking the other person's prize. I fill their prize bins up when they execute all of these things, and like for the summer, that was make their bed, It was do, Bella had to do three pages in her going into fifth grade prep book.

So it was like a page about reading, about math, about something, you know, school wise. Bodie had to do two pages in his, which was tracing, drawing letters, drawing numbers, um, identifying pictures and shapes and things like that. So they had to do that. They had to do end of the night toy roundup. They had to go brush their teeth, and there was two check marks for morning and evening.

Bella is terrible at brushing her hair. Brushing her hair was on there. So, like, how can you facilitate Teaching them and, and, hey, like end of the night, uh, end of the night toy cleanup, which drives me crazy. That just feels heavy for me. I want the kids to clean up their own crap. They are perfectly capable of going and putting things away where they belong.

And then hopefully that will eventually teach them, let's just not leave it. Let's just pick it up while we're doing it because then we have less of the end of the night cleanup. So when they get all the check marks. Here they can earn tablet time. We have what I call a tabby token system where they get, we have gold coins that were from St.

Patrick's Day, but you can literally just order any of these on Amazon. And every time honestly, if they do something good I am happy to reward them with a tablet token, which is good for a certain amount of time on their tablet. If they complete all their things, they can choose a prize out of the prize bin, or they can get a tablet token.

I have a dry erase board full of things that they can do. All the way from taking out the garbage, to sweeping, to picking up toys outside, all these vast ideas that they can earn additional prizes or tablet tokens. So that is just a free for all whenever they can. And I'm teaching them, like, some of these things that are, like, this sets me off, like, having to go around and pick up 20 toys at the end of the night.

I'm taking that off my plate. I'm reducing my mental load and making them accountable for it. I'm making them accountable for brushing their teeth. You know, like I don't want to be bugging them. I want them to be prompted to go and brush their teeth. So can you do things like that to reduce your mental load?

And honestly, you can do these same things with your partner. My husband is in charge of trash. That is not on my to do list. He's also in charge of taking the trash cans down on Monday, taking them back up. He is in charge of mowing the lawn. Things like that, can you divvy up the jobs that are going up and, you know, going around in your household to reduce your mental load?

It is not fair for you to do everything. And if you start to become resentful and still do them, then that isn't a good place to be in. I was at a point when we were, you know, Bodie was a baby and I swear, like I was so resentful because I'm like, I am drowning here, dude. And you were describing the water anytime he's like, Hey, can you do this?

Can you pick up this? And we were also navigating this very big identity shift that I went from, you know, feeling like I had a very important job, that I was leading a team of people, that I was making all this money, to being a mom again at 40 and having a kiddo. At that point, Bella was five and Like, a lot of her autism was showing up in different ways that were really tricky.

And I was navigating losing my mom. I was navigating My daughter, Bella's dad being a complete crazy person, frankly, he doesn't see her. And so like I was navigating all these things that I'm just like, I cannot do this. This does not feel good. And before, like in my life, I would always just push through that not feeling good.

And I decided I'm done. Like I am no longer pushing through. I'm getting somebody to come in. I'm getting You know, like I, I was bringing Bella to, I felt like a lot of therapy and when she started to be in kindergarten, they started offering some of those services. So I was like, you know what?

Like I feel like we are, are more than equipped to use school services. And then just one day of outside speech, one day of outside OT instead of going four days a week. So like, then I just put boundaries in place for myself. Um, that made me feel like this was a good situation, like that I was clearing up some of the mental load that, that was just making me unhappy.

I went and hired a housekeeper like that was, you know, something that really was. It bothers me, like, that I'm like, I, there's a mess, you know, and I'm like I, I can't, I can't do that. Can't, and, and I, I know that there was an expense to it, but like, my sanity is often worth an expense. Because I am worth having happiness, I am worth having joy, and so are you.

So. The catalyst to starting these conversations is having a big conversation and how that conversation went for me and can go for you is starting out with, you know, talking about, I'm feeling this way. Do you have any solutions? But if that isn't going anywhere or there's no solutions Oh, are you, I think things are fine.

No, things are not fine. Like I am not accomplishing things that I need to, to feel like the best version of myself. Like when I decided I was going to start CrossFit, I like sit down discussion. I am going to start prioritizing my health. I see that looking like this. I wanted to have a discussion so you understand that this is a really big priority.

That doesn't mean that I love you less. That doesn't mean that I love the kids less. That means that I need me to be running at a hundred percent, to be feeling my best, to really move a lot of things forward in my life, including our relationship. To feel good in our relationship, Don't you feel better when you, when you feel like you're in shape?

Don't you feel sexier when you feel like you're in shape? And, and like, I want to be wearing yoga pants and walking by my husband and seeing his reaction, like. That is fun for me and it might be fun for you, but if you have no mental space, you're just like, stay 10 feet away at all times, dude, I have no space for you.

Create space for yourself. You deserve that space. You deserve growth. You deserve so much more in your life, in your motherhood and in your relationship. So, if you are feeling stuck, you are not alone. Here is my one thing that once you have had the big conversation, that could be a game changer in your household.

I call it Sunday night prep. I've done an episode on it. It is something that can set the tone for your week, set the tone for your family for the week, and create expectations and operating kind of procedure for your household. Sunday night prep. I go in and I have a magnetic calendar, which you can find a lot of these items that I'm talking about in my Amazon storefront because I love them so much.

I have created a whole list of these items, so you go in and everybody's schedule. You can even color code that shit if you want to, but anytime that I am leaving the household for something, it's going on the calendar so somebody knows that mom's not going to be here. Even if we're having a nanny here, everybody knows mom's not going to be here.

I don't want, hey, where are you going? I don't want any of that. It's on the calendar. Then, anybody, anyone else in there, like, if my husband has a doctor's appointment, if the kids have an appointment, if the kids have karate, if the kids have soccer, if the kids have I don't put doctor's appointments on there.

Those are just for my calendar because I don't want to freak them out. But mainly appointments, like if Bella has an eye doctor appointment, which we have coming up, if Bella has plate therapy, that goes on there. Those are just on the calendar. So anybody can walk by and guess what? If you put it on the fridge, it's not going to be missed.

People are going to go in the fridge. So here this calendar is. Then, I put commonly asked questions on there as well. What time and which, we have two nannies, like, one of them's three days a week, one of them's one day a week, but that is going to be changed obviously going into fall. Their names are both Kate, which is even funnier, so new Kate or miss Kate.

We don't say old Kate because she's older. And then time, 9am to 2. 30. So I'm putting that on there. So, like, I'm not getting asked. Anything that you're getting asked, it's just like making standard operating procedures in your business. Make a standing, a standard, like, this is how the week is working.

Go check the calendar. Then, I can say, hey, everybody, the calendar's been updated if you want to take a look at it. Do you have any questions? Let me know. My younger son can't read yet, like, read words, he can read letters and stuff, so I take him over and I say, guess what? He can't. You're going to have soccer on Thursday.

And then guess what? We're going to go and have a play date on this date. And we're going to get our hair cut with Jenny on this date, like showing them that. Then my husband isn't asking me which nanny is going to be here, which I don't know why even asks me anymore after this long, but he does. So that's just on there.

Any appointments, anytime I'm leaving, like all of that is just on there. The reason why is because every time somebody is asking you, that's taking your attention, that is adding to the mental load, mental load that you are trying to diminish. So you're putting this in place so that you are not the question and answer department.

The calendar is the question and answer department when it comes to where someone is going and when and who or what or whatever you want to put on there. Then, I go through and I am looking through my wedding week. I print my wedding orders. I go through and I look at my freelancing book. Who do I have freelancing?

And is this did something get added that that's now not going to be adequate? I am laying out when I am going to work out. If I don't lay it out at the beginning of the week, it is not going to happen because you keep saying the next day, the next day, and the next day. So I get to CrossFit three to four times a week and that is inlaid at the beginning of the week.

If for some reason, like the nanny's sick or something happens that I can't go, that is then rearranged and figured out that I'm going to then go on Friday instead or I'm going to go on Saturday morning. Usually my fail safe is that I'm going to try to go on Saturday morning so that I can you know, just Do it before weddings start like they have a 915 class if I don't like I'm not an early bird So like I don't like getting up super early.

So 8 o'clock class sounds horrible, but 915 sounds decent and So I do that often as like my backup or sometimes it's just like you know what? I got to give myself grace that I went three times because that's more than most people do and So I'm winning if I get there three times Then I'm looking at my to do list.

So I have a paper to do list if you're watching on YouTube. I have like just a notebook that I write notes in. And then I have Trello boards. So Trello is a project management software, and I use Trello to organize bigger projects, to organize business objectives, and then I have someone who helps with social media on both of my accounts.

And so I have a Trello board, it's called the Tabitha's Badass Board. And, like, I put things in for us to discuss, she moves them into her to do, and then she moves them over in the to be reviewed by me, and then complete it. So, I have a whole episode on organizing your to do list and Trello that if you go through that might also be helpful.

I love using Trello. You can, it's free up to 10 boards and you can organize so much so that I'm picking like what objectives, what things I need to get accomplished this week. Cause honestly, like I want to get those out of the way. I want to make sure that I'm moving my business forward. And if I'm always just living in reactivity.

I'm never going to get any of my shit accomplished, but I'm just like, Oh, I got this thrown at me. I got this thrown at me. I got this thrown at me. Like that is never going to be a situation. So how can you set your week up for success? If you scheduled working out and told everybody that that was an immense priority.

Would that change if you're going, if you looped in somebody to be, to have you be accountable, would that change? There's so much that you can do that just by saying, this is important to me and I really want to go and can you support me in that? Can you hold me accountable on that? Like the girls in the floral CEO mastermind.

We're like, we actually have a weekly accountability item that we check in a person designates that accountability. Do you have an accountability buddy? That is going to be a game changer. So I'm getting all that stuff ready on Sunday. I'm making sure I'm setting my week up for success. I'm also going in and, and scheduling or making sure in this process, like I'm looking at it.

My website analytics, my Instagram, I'm planning out, usually I, I save Mondays for marketing Monday, and I'm going in and going, okay, like, what reels are I going to make? I love long baths and I will, I mean, I take sometimes that's my D detox time, a 45 minute bath. I do reels in the bathtub. So it's like, when am I going to post those things?

When am I going to prioritize? You know, getting this new initiative done, what am I going to prioritize getting the like, I have the workshop, the, the floral, or a rock star retreat next week, and we have goodie bags to make all these things. So, like, that was a Trello board, and then I'm taking things off of that Trello board and going, okay, done, done, done, done.

And am I doing it all myself? Absolutely not. I have Elaine. Who was my mom's neighbor. She's 83 years old, you guys. So if you ever feel too old, this woman is a rock star. She comes with me to weddings. This also is, it kind of shows you that you never know when you can find somebody that enriches your life and you enrich theirs.

Because this woman helps me like do things that aren't super fun for me. She's awesome. Making sure that for when I bring everything with she is cleaning up, sweeping up, getting garbage, processing roses, getting things out of boxes, unpacking things. She's going to make all the goodie bags and it's like, that's fun for her.

Her husband died a few years ago. So like we're her family. We're like, I'm the reason why she gets out of her house. Like I hate to even think of what would happen if this wasn't there for her because this is her, her outlet coming here is her outlet in life. So you never know who, if you could find that person that is going to help you bring you to the next level.

I also have Barb who is. Immensely organized, like really good at like I give her a list and like all my stuff is pulled, cleaned, sorted, organized, labeled, and ready to go. Sometimes you just need to have help.

Sunday night prep, definitely we would be a game changer. So please go in, have a conversation, talk about, and then one of the biggest thing is, Hey, I want to feel like. You know, you're really being, I want to really support you this week. Is there anything going on that you need extra support around?

Or hey, I have this going on, which feels really, really heavy. I would love some additional support from you. Like I need help with X and if you can't ask for that, like something fundamentally is going on that you need to address. You deserve to ask for help. You deserve to have. a support system that isn't you running around with your, like a chicken with your head cut off.

And yes, I grew up on a farm and it is a gross thing to see. What can you do to change how things are going? Sunday night prep is a big, having the big conversation that I need support, I'm drowning. Do you have any ideas? This is where I want to go. That is huge. But know that without any steps to reducing your mental load, without creating that space, you're going to be exactly where you are now, drowning.

And I don't want that for you. I want big things for you. I want big things for your business. I want your big goals and dreams to be everything that you wanted. But if you don't create space, if you don't talk to people and tell them what you need, you're, you're not going to be moving in that direction.

That direction is going to make you more money, it's going to make you happier, it's going to make you more creatively fulfilled, because you're going to have space to create epic shit. So, 📍 thank you for listening flower friend, and you have an amazing flower filled day.