The Floral Hustle

  📍 Hello, flower friend. This is Jen. And you're listening to the floral hustle podcast on this week's episode. We're going to talk about mom life, hashtag mom, life, being a mom, and really being a business owner and the mom that you want to be. And I think. This feels heavy for so many people, and there are so many, things about when you grew up and things about just the narrative that's out there about motherhood, the narrative about hot mess mom culture.

My favorite person for insight on this is Allie Casasa and I've talked about her before, but she has a podcast called the purpose show and her approach to motherhood life is all about having ease, feeling good in it, and if something doesn't feel good, changing it. Not that you are a victim to motherhood, that you are an empowered mother.

And I want to speak a little bit to that because I think before I really made some big mental shifts and I made some changes in my business. I made some changes in my career, like quitting my. My day job, I had all the illusions that like, it was just my job to be a slave to my children and a slave to the house and a slave to everything like that.

It was just my job to serve others and not be served myself and to not be like. This doesn't feel good to me, and so I don't want to do this, and I want, especially as a business owner, you need to give yourself that talk of that just because I'm a mom doesn't mean that I'm not a human, just because I'm a mom doesn't mean that I deserve less.

Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean that I can't live my dreams. I can't have my dream business. And I felt like being a motherhood mother was always like motherhood was a condition, almost like living with this like disease that. Your life had to change because of this thing. And I do think that there is some validity to that, but I think our culture as moms take it to this degree that we lose ourselves.

We can't define who we are anymore because our definition of who we are is a mother. We have humans wanting stuff from us all the time. And we just want to go hide in a room so we can have a five minute break, hide in the bathroom. I've known friends that like, I need to go in the bathroom for 10 minutes.

I just don't know what to do in this situation. I don't know what they're like shutting down. And I'm talking them off the ledge because I'm like, we can choose. And this is another layer of this is my mentality about, I don't do overwhelm. I don't do stress. I don't do shitty feeling. Uh, I got into a argument with my husband the last couple of days, and I'm going to talk about it and be vulnerable because I think that this is important because everybody feels like that is just them and they're alone and you're not alone in that motherhood is, and being a business owner is fucking complicated.

You are completely in your right to say that this is complicated because it is. But I choose to live it in alignment with myself. I choose to feel good in my life. I choose to not let other people like run my life. And that's all that's running my life. I run my life. I am the CEO. I am the author of my story.

And yes, I am a mother. And you know what? I am a father. I am an amazing mother. I am a great mother and that statement alone is something that most of us can't say because we have been conditioned that whatever you give in your motherhood is never enough and as someone who has a special needs kiddo who her dad is an epic piece of shit.

And I did many of the beginning years before I met my husband alone, and I don't both of my parents have passed away. So I was even more alone. I have 1 sibling that lives here that I, I talked to and I love him, but we don't have a lot of contact. I have a sister. She's in Georgia and I'm out of 9 children.

I just, I don't have a close family and with that I have to be it. Undeniably okay with that. My definition of what things are is my North Star and is going to be what it is because I'm not going to let others, including me, my husband define how I should feel about my motherhood define what my motherhood should be.

Because I'm in charge of that and I am in charge of our children, my, I, with me quitting my job and actually just me as a person, I am in charge in our household of our children, we have a nanny, we actually have a nanny and then our old nanny comes one day a week and they're here for about five hours.

So they, I now have about 20 hours a week during wedding season and without school. And there was a situation where we have, we actually have, and this is another thing like you need the support to be able to do these things. And we have with my daughter, and I've talked about this before, we have an autism parenting coach.

And that person, I have a file folder that I can put in my phone and take notes like anytime something comes up that doesn't feel good. And we have a constant battle, and you might be here too, of Tablet time, tablet time, computer time, like my daughter is obsessive, overtaken by it. And I'm like, go play outside.

We didn't have tabbies when I was little, like go outside, be, why can't you be outside? I just, I want to be angry about that because she just wants to be on her tablet. But like he has helped us formulate strategies and one of the strategies like you really need to put in place a schedule and honestly with the, I call it the mental load of the household of camps, animals, cleaning, nanny schedules, wedding season, growing the podcast.

Wanting to work on being a more aligned version of myself, physically, mentally, I started going to a chiropractor again, because there's some things that are popping up. Cause I've been in a couple of car accidents now that I'm working out I just want to be the best version of myself. And like a schedule wasn't prioritized.

It was really prioritized in my husband's mind. So he went and told the nanny, we need to make a schedule and we're going to be working on that because my daughter and the nanny were butting heads. About this tablet, tablet thing, just wanting to be on the tablet, not go outside, not do anything, just wanting to be on the tablet.

So many kids are sucked to and I felt undermined it. I felt like she took it as she's supposed to make a schedule for our children, which is what the, what Steven, were you thinking and talking to him? And he mentioned it in his mind in passing, but it just, it blew up to this big thing.

And before the old version of me that I has expired would have stood about it. I would have been like, what a shithead. What was he thinking? Talking to her about that? This is not her place. This is my job. He is like trying to outsource our parent, like all these things. And in his mind, he just suggested, I think a problem, the solution to this problem is that we need a schedule.

So I took it to another level, but I would have the old version of me. I would have stood in that moment. Gone to bed angry. And I would have, um, been upset about the whole thing, and then I would have done it times 10 and done it right away because I'm going to prove him that I'm capable of doing this.

And if you had a situation like that, I'm sure you have, because It's just dynamic, human dynamic. I, his comment was taken literally because somebody wants to please us and make that works for us. They want to make us happy. They want to help us. And they thought they were tasked with it. And so that she made a whole schedule out.

And I'm like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. We need to baby step this. And for one, we have camps almost every week. And we have school starting in a month and a half, slow your roll, everybody. I'm like, you don't know our kids schedule. You don't know when they're going to camp. You don't know when speeches, you don't know when this is this should be my job and we should sit down as a team because we are a team team back making a plan, but it escalated and I would have stood in it.

So the new version of me, and this is what I invite into your motherhood is saying, you know what? I, this whole thing didn't feel good to me. And if you are changing your behavior and you were a steward or a stuffer, call that out. Say, I used to just like stuff all of these feelings and not talk about it, but I am, I don't want to have that relationship with you anymore.

I want our relationship redefined and we talk about everything. I want us to be best friends. I want us to share in that communication. And then, tell them, from my perspective, I felt like this. And that might not be reality, but that's how I felt. And then, when I'm trying to explain that to you, I didn't feel seen by you.

I didn't feel validated that it was okay that I felt this way. I felt like we had every excuse explaining why this happened, and not that My feelings about the situation were valid. I felt so much better after that conversation. And there's been other conversations like this because I'm not going to live choosing to sue.

I'm not going to live choosing to be a victim to motherhood, choosing to be a victim of my relationship with my husband. I am fully the boss of my life, the CEO of my life, and I am choosing to live that accordingly. And so can you. And if a situation happens with your kids. You, of course, want to handle it in a different layer or a different manner, but you are teaching them to be that version of whatever you're acting like.

You're teaching them that that's okay. I want to do better. I want my kids. I have empowered humans. I am raising empowered humans. So my daughter, every night we do affirmations. I am strong. I am kind. I am brave. I am beautiful because that is the kind of mother I want to be and I'm going to teach my daughter that she doesn't need to be a victim because she has autism.

She is beautiful. She is smart. She is creative. There are so many things that like I want her to see, but we need to teach them that and we need to model that behavior to them. So how can you model what you want your kids, what your kids deserve? If you're a single mom and you're dating a piece of shit, you're teaching your daughter that dating a piece of shit is okay.

If you're a workaholic and don't spend any quality time with them, don't do anything with them. You're teaching that that's the way that you parent. So what are you teaching your kids right now? And is that what you want? And if it isn't, how can you change it? How can you get support? I was running around doing everything and decided I just couldn't do it anymore.

And I think that's even in my intro. I just couldn't do it anymore. Like, that's not the version of myself that I want to be. There's an Instagram reel that that version of you has expired, which is just freaking hilarious. It has. That version of me has expired and I'm going to become the version of her that I want today.

Whatever that version is, and it could change tomorrow if I decide, but that is what I'm going to embody. That is what I want in my motherhood. I, and as a business owner, I had a business coach tell me that is a florist. That is a step mom, not a mom, a step mom that I should never have kids around in the background during a consult because it's bad, bad, you know, I will straight up tell people because this is the business owner that I'm defining them.

I am a mother. I have two smaller children and if they want to meet outside of when I have a nanny. My husband's job is a priority because he makes good money and I don't want to keep asking him to always be watching the kids like, like a hawk. I want to feel like if something happens that like that customer, that client is going to be understanding if they pop in here and say, mom, where is, I just say, okay, just one minute, honey, that is here.

Because I am a mom and a business owner and a human, and if I'm not going to have clients that don't understand that, because if they can't support that, then that I'm not the right customer or I'm not the right fit for them. They can go elsewhere and that is totally fine. But you have to be okay with not fearing change.

You have to be okay with not fearing that this new version of yourself and your motherhood is basically going to make. Everybody not like you, not respect you, your kids are going to get angry. I, it's a transition. You can't just go cold turkey. Like having a kiddo, kiddo with autism. Like I am so keyed into transition, visual cues prompting because I don't want her to go like sideways because I wasn't preparing her.

I want her prepared for what's going to happen. And that starts with this schedule. That we are going to and I already had a plan. I just hadn't had time to implement the plan because I'm human and I have prioritized other things, which I don't feel bad for. And that's another thing so many moms live in guilt because they feel like they're just not living up to the expectations of their motherhood.

They're not living up to the expectations. Normally, and this might be you if you resonate, I totally see you living up to the expectations that your mother put on your motherhood, or your family, or the, the visual of what your family taught you, the narrative. Of motherhood of parenting of being a family of relationships like all of those things come from when you're a kid and and I've I've talked about this with coaching clients and I think I've been I've talked about it here is, I always never felt like I was good enough.

And so when. I felt like my husband was trying to outsource our parenting in this situation. I felt attacked. I felt like I wasn't good enough. Why wouldn't you task me with this? Am I not good enough? All because I never felt like I was good enough. I know now I am, but when that happened, that part of me went back to when I was a little girl and felt that way.

So I went back to my nine year old self, my eight year old self, my seven year old self, and I wasn't thinking rationally because that part of me was activated that, Oh no, I'm not good enough again. And I am good enough. I am damn good at a ton of things that it is like the level where I'm at now, those triggers happen way less, but that parenting one is still very there.

And I still like I still have to work through it because when that gets triggered, I'm like, okay, my, my eight year old self is being triggered because of this situation. And you might have the same thing. It could maybe be around not feeling like you were ever good enough. It could be like feeling like you're a failure, feeling judgment, feeling just like that, that you're never going to be living up to anybody else's standards because their standards are maybe even unrealistic.

Um, I remember like my mom passed away five years ago, and we went to Disney on ice and my daughter at the time, I think was.

And this is like when she was two is when we were starting to figure out like all these things about her speech, her autism, potentially like that. It was kind of on the radar. Then they educationally said that they, she had autism, but I hadn't got a medical diagnosis yet because those are two separate things.

And so I'm going through the motions and everything. And we went to Disney on ice and my little Bella. It's so excited. I mean, we've never done anything like this and she was sitting or like, standing in the aisle of the, uh, Excel energy center. Watching all the dancers and watching all the ice skaters and just being so excited because she's 3 and she could she's like.

Running hot because nobody can understand her. So like, here's this little human, so excited. And my mom was so upset that she was in the aisle. And she's Jenny, you were a bad mother that you allowed that to happen. It's not okay. And like that phrase, that comment, I mean, I flip my shit on her and let's just say that I'm like, I am absolutely a good mother.

I am doing this on my own. I do not really have support. I felt like then I had to defend and justify. But like that moment now triggers anytime I hear like, I'm not living enough to an expectation because I can't revisit with her because she's gone. So I, you live in these moments that happened to you in the past and like, all these icky things get triggered that part in you gets triggered and that part.

Is it's going to show up in different ways, but like in my motherhood, it shows up for me because of that moment because of the moments before with her. And because she's gone, you, if this is, you know, you have the chance to and talk to your mother. Or your father, or whoever it is, your sibling, your husband, like, take that chance now, because you might not have it.

Because I chose, I choose now to not live in those moments. So that's why, like, I'm straight up, I don't want this to be a moment. I don't want this to be a trigger. I don't want this to be a story that I'm telling myself. And so that's why I'm going to talk to my partner about it now. I'm going to tell him this is what came up for me.

And I even told him, I said I completely am probably having all these parts triggered by my mom, by our relationship, by these things. And so I, it's probably not all you, it doesn't change how I feel and it doesn't change the situation so you can do those little things to start changing your inner narrative to help lessen because my triggers when this happens are far less than they ever were before, because I am, I know, and I now can tell myself and say to myself, and it's one of my affirmations, I am a good mother, because I am like I, My daughter, when people, especially after COVID and her going back to school to the same care team at school after two and a half years, they were like, holy shit, Bella has grown up so much.

She is so smart, like her speech, because I did the work, parenting takes work. And especially when you have a special kiddo, that comes with special circumstances that you need to, I had to work, I have to work harder. My motherhood is harder than most because of this situation, but I am committed and you can commit to in whatever way that this is showing up and doesn't resonate in your motherhood right now that.

I've committed that it's okay to be a mom and a business owner. I've committed that my daughter is going to be the best version of herself that she ever could be because I'm her mom. I am going to help set her up for success because her life is going to be different and more complicated than most.

I've committed to that and you could commit to whatever is showing up for you the same way. All right. I kind of went on for a while about this because it's like really. This week it really showed up, but I've also, I've seen it show up in so many other people, like just losing themselves and think then they don't deserve to be themselves.

They don't deserve to go running. They don't deserve to go to CrossFit. They don't deserve, you know what, for my birthday, I asked for a motorcycle and I was told that I shouldn't have a motorcycle because I'm a mother.

Absolutely not. I am completely entitled to be happy. And like, when I got on, on it, it was my birthday present, like, I guess, I mean, I basically bought myself a birthday present, but. I tend to talk my husband into it because he had the same story that like moms and motorcycles don't get moms and motorcycles go together.

If you want a motorcycle, go get one because it brings me so much joy and so much happiness. And I am not going to let being a mom stop me from being my happiest version of myself, my true self. I felt like a part of me was missing. Because I had ridden a motorcycle. I just turned 44. I had ridden a motorcycle since I was 17, and I got rid of it when Bodie was born four years ago.

I felt like a, like part of my heart had been taken, and I wasn't going to let it be taken anymore just because I was a mom. So what is that for you? Is that running? Is that doing pottery? Because that's another thing, like I, I'm like, I'm going to do pottery and I'm going to prioritize that. And I'm going to make sure that I am living authentically, even though I'm a mom.

And so can you. And if you need help, I would love to coach you through that because I truly live in my most authentic version of myself and it took a lot of work to do that. But I, I know it's possible because I was in a very effed up place, like even four years ago. When my son was born, like I just like so many stories telling myself that I just know that I deserve more than that and you deserve more than that.

Thank you so much for listening and. If you need support, please go and join our Facebook group. It's the Floral Hustle. It's a Facebook group in Facebook. You can join. You can ask questions like there is tons of moms in there, tons of moms. Like I would love to support you and start a dynamic conversation about motherhood, about being a business owner, about what you're feeling, anything like I want to support you.

And so please go and join the Floral Hustle Facebook group because I just love seeing, I think we're now at like 150, 160 members. So I just love watching the numbers climb up because, but I want you guys to interact. I want you to be in the group and ask questions. Like I want to be there to support you.

And there are so many like lovely flower friends in there that are great about helping and support you and answer posts as well. So please go in and get support. And it's free. It's a great situation. All right. Thank you so much flower friend and have an amazing flower filled week